Al Qaeda Announces Surprise Closure of North American Division
(Karachi, Pakistan) In a surprise move Al Qaeda North America (AQNA) announced that, effectively immediately, it is reducing both staff and funding for all North American offices. “We killed less than 3,000 Americans on 9/11. It made great TV but the GOP and President Trump are killing far more.”
Citing a number of recent domestic events including the GOP tax bill and Roy Moore’s near election in Alabama, Ustadh Usama Mahmood, the Indian Subcontinent spokesman said, “America is killing it’s own and tearing itself apart. They are fighting amongst themselves over the scraps of their dying empire. When so-called Christian’s vote for child molesters because they want a Dominionist country what can we add?” Stroking his beard and reflecting on the changes since Trump’s election Mahmood elaborated, “Look, I trust my brothers to protect me. If I die they will care for my family. In America do they trust their leaders? Do those who fight and die for America know that their families will be safe? Reducing healthcare guarantees a humiliating, slow and painful death to millions of infidels.”
When asked about Russian influence in America’s accelerating decline Mahmood acknowledged Putin’s cleverness. “When the interests of Russian oligarchs align with those of American business great things happen. Comrade Putin saw a way to exploit America’s openness and division. That was masterfully done.”
Reflecting on the resurgence of Al Qaeda he explained, “Syria is such a win for us. ISIS is being crushed so we have less competition. Then refugees stream from the conflict into Europe which creates an anti-immigrant backlash.” The rise of the European far right heightens Muslim’s sense of victimhood and moving the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem reinforces the image of a global campaign against them. “Move the American Embassy to Jerusalem? By all means! Can we get Bibi and Jared to handle our poster design too?”
Asked if he had any hopes for 2018, Mahmood relied, “More of 2017! Our goal was to destroy America and, between President Trump and the GOP, we have met and exceeded our best projections. Praise Allah, Trump will set the world on fire for us!” As reporters stood to leave he said, “Did you see Vice President Pence licking Trump’s rear end? Even Osama, praise be upon him, didn’t ask us to demean ourselves like that.”
